COAX goes to cable modem
LAN cable goes from modem to router.
Another LAN cable goes from the router to the computer.
I had everything plugged in and Windows said nothing was plugged in. I figured it was a bad cable, so to make sure, I plugged the LAN cable coming from the router directly into the computer (rather than going through the router), same problem.
So today, I took my computer into Best Buy for Geek Squad to look at. Lets just say, I have a new archenemy.
The guy plugs in the machine, bumping it into his desk 5-6 times. He plugs it into Best Buy's network with a LAN cable and it connects to the internet, wtf. Then, he opens up the computer while it's running to see if the fans are working correctly. How does he figure this? Simple: He puts his finger on the fan while it's running and lets go, and responds with "it works, and you can't return it because it's been 14 days".
I'm yet to plug the thing back in. Hopefully it'll work.
