All aboard the failboat: Games to not play.

[win3k]

Morning chaps

As a partner to the hidden gems thread, let's have a go at the dark side of gaming: those that you've bought, and then regretted spending your shekels on.

To begin:



I've been a fan of the horror genre for quite some time, ranging from the early Hammer films (Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing (RIP) etc.) through Romero's zombie flicks (well durr, what's this website called again?) to Japanese classics such as Ring (not the crappy remake). I've always liked Clive Barker's books and films (Hellraiser, for example), so I installed this with a song in my heart.

Then I made the mistake of playing it.

In basic terms, this is a squad based FPS which should have been really rather excellent. The premise is that God's Firstborn is imprisoned in a city that periodically re-appears on Earth, and that an ancient order of warrior-mages (that'd be you, then) sallies forth to administer a spanking and save the world. Each time it happens, a part of the Earth gets subsumed into the city, meaning that as you play the game, you get to visit ruined versions of history (the Crusades, the Roman Empire etc.)

There are, however, one or two shall-we-say quibbles with this game. Picking at random, let's look at the level design.



This is a ruler. It is less linear than the levels in this game.

Moving on, let's inspect your squad, the titular Jericho. You start out as seven-strong, and you (the team leader) get killed. Luckily, because of, I dunno, magic or something, your spirit lives on, and can pass from squad member to squad member and take control of their specialist skills. In theory, this opens up a whole world of strategic decision making offering multiple and imaginative solutions to the challenges made by the game. If you thought that, go put on the stupid hat and sit in the corner. In practice you'll default to the shotgun/machine gun wielding party members at all times except where you need the telekinesis bit to knock down a wall.

Your own specialist skill is resurrection, meaning that any time one of your team mates gets killed (and my word that's a common occurence), you can bring them back to the party straight away. This results in that old standby gaming mechanic: "The War of Attrition(tm)", whereby you win by repeatedly slogging away, resurrecting your idiot squad mates, until the requisite number of enemies are dead and then you move on, rinse, lather and repeat.

The squad members are woefully imbalanced; one of them, for example, has a Katana as a primary weapon, despite the fact that one of the most commonly occuring enemies is a pustule-covered thing that explodes with (literal) splash damage on death. Suffice to say, you won't enjoy playing that character.

Dialogue and characterization are another let-down: there is a grating loop of "so-and-so is down, help him", "That was easy", "let's go" which becomes very wearying quite quickly. Obviously, the three female members of your squad are lesbians, because the script writer is (presumably) 14 years old, and in his world all military women must be so. Stereotyping? In a video game? Surely not.

Then we have the boss battles and (God help us) our old friend the Quick Time Event. Each boss requires a non-intuitive strategy to defeat - but worry not, because within 0.5 seconds of the fight starting, one of your team mates will tell you precisely what you need to do in order to win. QTE's are, as they always were and ever will be, especially greasy turds floating amongst a whole sea of turds. Did I mention that QTE's are not good?

In sum, this game should have been a riot. It isn't.

win3k

[TronFAQ]

Oh, man. It's almost easier these days to come up with disappointing titles, rather than good ones. There's an absolute flood of shitty, craptastic console ports today. But even back several years ago, there were still plenty of turds.

The game that recently disappointed me most? That it actually pains me to say that I didn't really enjoy it, and that I think the developer has sold out to mediocrity for money?



Bioshock, from the studio formerly known as Irrational Games. Who sold out to 2K Games and became 2K Boston.

Bioshock was hyped as the second coming, and a successor to System Shock 2. They may have tried to use weasel words like "spiritual succesor" to avoid direct comparisons with its predecessor, but how can you do that when "Shock" is right in the damn title? Either it's the successor to System Shock 2, or it's not. You can't have it both ways.

They abused the trust they earned with System Shock players, to get them onboard early: in order to help make sure the game was a sales success, by early word of mouth. Then when the inevitable disappointment set in and fans discovered all the broken promises, 2K Boston basically said "we've got your money now, so long suckers!" and then stopped talking to the fan community. Because they knew they'd sold out, and people were angry at them for being used.

Now, don't get me wrong. Bioshock is far from a bad game. Its presentation alone - graphics, music, sound effects, atmosphere, story - is superlative, and it was definitely somewhat original.

It's a good game. It's just not a GREAT game. It's nowhere near what was originally promised. The gameplay is shallow, and emphasizes style over substance. Everything was dumbed down and simplified from System Shock, in order to turn it into more traditional FPS fodder . . . just with a unique style and vision to make it "different enough" from the norm.

It's why I could care less about Bioshock 2 (which was recently delayed). Maybe I'll pick it up when it hits the bargain bin. But you won't see me as one of the first in line to buy it, this time.

[cryogen4000]

[Jizaboz]

ARGHGHGHGH!!!! That's so F'ing ANNOYING!!!!


Ahem.. anyway. That's disappointing on Jericho. I love Clive Barker's stories, but kind of figured it wouldn't translate well into this game. Hmm speaking of which, I still need to load up "NightBreed" on DOSbox heh-heh

[TronFAQ]

I couldn't pass up the opportunity to post this pic.

[Mor.Evil-1]

Tron 2.0.
Worst game ever!

[SweatyPyro]

Tron 2.0.
Worst game ever!

HERESY

[TronFAQ]

Tron 2.0.
Worst game ever!

Yeah!

Hey, have you heard about this Tron Evolution game? It sounds way, way better. I haven't played it yet, but I just know it's going to be better than that old crappy game.

For the humor impaired: we're joking.